Communication
is a thorny topic. The most eloquent, intelligent, rational and verbose amongst
us may have trouble with it even when trying to converse with someone who is
sitting across the table from us. How much more difficult does it become when
we are limited by time constraints, distance, the medium of the electronic
message and of course any underlying language limitations! It may become even
more complicated if one is trying to be tactful, diplomatic or discreet.
Frequently, we must rely on the written message alone, and this may become less
clear and more convoluted through loss of intonation, facial expression,
gesture, other body language… The opportunity for misunderstandings increases a
thousand-fold.
St
Exupéry said: “Words are the source of misunderstandings”, and yet words are
also our only weapon against misunderstandings. How do we resolve situations
where our words have been misconstrued? By using more words! Resolution of
communication breakdown needs simple words, honesty and a genuine sense of
wanting to clear up confusion or perceived ill-will. However, the situation
becomes more complex when words simply fail us. One may talk plainly,
communicating lucidly what is in one’s mind, but the recipient of that
information may pass the words through a personal filter that is tinged with
any colour of the perceptional or emotional rainbow, and thus construe a
meaning completely different to that of the originator of the message.
A
frame of reference is important when we are communicating and the social and
psychological environment of the communicating persons need be kept in mind as
well. The simple word “love” can be uttered in such a bewildering variety of
contexts that it can become bogged in a quagmire of communication breakdown. We
love our spouse, love our parents, love our children. We love pizza, love our
country, love our friends, love going on holidays. We love playing games, we
can score love in tennis, we can meet the love of our life, we make love, fall
in love, fall out of love. We can call our partner “Love”, but the woman at the
corner shop can ironically call us “Love” also. Context matters!
Communication
can be purposefully made difficult. We may choose to be deceptive in what we
say or write. “No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean,
for words are slippery and thought is viscous.” Said Henry B. Adams. Words can
be a fortress we hide in, words can be the fog that obscures our actions, words
can be our defence or our offence. Words can be daggers that are thrust to
wound and hurt maliciously. Words can be uttered in a facile way so that they
flatter and fawn. Compliments and cajolery, blarney or sweet-talk, propaganda,
can all get in the way of true communication. Rumi advises us: “Know that a
word suddenly shot from the tongue is like an arrow shot from the bow. Son,
that arrow won't turn back on its way; you must dam the torrent at its source.”
In
work environments the failures of communication are manifold. We write our
emails, publish our communiqués, draw our labelled diagrams and we are the
originators of much published material that the world can see. Just like any other
form of communication, our work-related written material can create
misunderstandings and can have consequences that range from the amusing to the
dire. What we write about and how we choose to do it, can have an immense
effect on other people that may be quite dramatic. What we choose to write
about can heal or hurt, amuse or anger, attract or repel, inflame or influence,
excite empathy or indifference. Our words can be balsam or poison. Or at the
very least soporific!
I
speak plainly, and communicate what I think and feel. If I choose to write
about something, I do it because I want to and because I need to. My tact is
genuine, for I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings. If I am misconstrued, it
is has not been my intention to be so. If what I say seems obscure, words are
there to be used, so please ask for an explanation. If I can resolve
misunderstandings, I will almost certainly do so.
Nearly
all of us still use email on a daily basis and it has become an indispensable
tool in our communication armamentarium. Email is not only used in business,
but also as a means of communication in education, and also for personal and
social purposes. Despite the social media revolution, email still gets used, a
lot!
Although
email is useful and can achieve much, it can also become a two-edged sword,
especially if it is used indiscriminately and unwisely. The ancient Romans used
to remark: “Verba volant, scripta
manent”. Translated literally, it means “spoken words fly away, written
words remain”. It is originally derived from a speech of Caius Titus in the
Roman Senate, who said it wishing to drive home the point that spoken words
might easily be forgotten, but written documents can always be produced and be
the conclusive evidence in public matters. This is a pointed reference to the
reliability of written records, on which agreements should be based, rather
than a conversation, which can never be agreed upon as an accurate record of
what was actually said, if the two sides involved have a different recollection
or interpretation of it.
However,
the written word also carries a sting in its tail, as something hastily written
in the heat of the moment, under stress, or in frustration and anger, and sent to
someone via email can cause much harm. The ease with which we communicate
nowadays via email, SMS, Twitter, Facebook or even through blogging has made us
a little unwary. What we write remains behind as a record and we can be held
accountable to it. A quick note written down hurriedly can give a completely
different message to the one intended. Especially as the written word is
deficient in terms of facial expression, vocal tone, gesture, and further
clarification if your interlocutor expresses their inability to fathom what you
are saying or what exactly what you mean.
How
many celebrities (with the world’s eye on them) have had serious problems with
something they published on Twitter or Facebook? How many stories do we hear of
very public apologies and retractions of the thoughtless comments that were
written unwisely or in haste? There are numerous occasions where something
written has created huge issues not only for the writers, but also for the
people referred to in the communication… Written words are powerful weapons,
and in untrained hands or in the hands of the unwary, can injure as severely as
sharp swords. More so than verbal invective, a written attack is there to hurt
the recipient continuously and can come back to haunt the writer, who may have
repented writing the offensive missive at a later stage.
I
have often felt a need to reply immediately to an email I have received which
incenses me or insults me or assumes that I am an idiot. How often have I sat
down and responded in like tone or language! However, I always do so in “draft”
mode. I never send the reply immediately. I sit on it for a variable period of
time, read it, re-read it, change it, reshape it, and more often than not,
delete the draft without ever sending it. The draft has served its purpose. I
have vented my anger, rid myself of the poison and then, when I am suitably
composed and having considered the matter from all angles, I rewrite the reply
in a more sedate tone and in a more logical frame of mind. The heat has
dissipated and in the coolness of good sense I reply in a fair and logical
manner, without repeating the offence of offending the offender.
In
other cases I write something on paper, seal it in an envelope addressed to
myself (this is important!) put it in a drawer and come back to it later, the
next day being preferable. When I see the envelope with my name on it, I open
it pretending its contents were not written by me, but by someone else – a
close colleague, a family member or my partner. I try and read the letter
through new eyes, trying to imagine the feelings of these people might
experience if they read this letter. I invariably feel embarrassed. On some
occasions where I have not torn the letter up immediately, I have felt the need
to burn it as tearing it up I did not deem to be destruction enough for it!
We
have to be even more careful when communicating to a large number of people
(how careful are we when we click on the dreaded ‘reply all’ button?), or to
people outside of our immediate sphere of acquaintance. Professionalism,
courtesy, leadership and good sense should prevail in all of our
communications, but especially so in our written communications, which persist,
can be produced at a later stage and generally haunt us…
Catharsis
is a powerful feeling. We all need it, we all feel better after it has worked
its magic on us. Writing a hasty response to a vituperative email or letter can
prove to produce an even more virulent and damaging effect than the original
communication did. However, writing such a response can be cathartic. Just
don’t send the blooming thing!
